


All I Need Is Your Light

by MintoKitsune



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Widojest - Freeform, mintokitsune's drabbles, the waltz, you know the one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:35:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27636917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MintoKitsune/pseuds/MintoKitsune
Summary: In which a friend sends me "delve into the emotional turmoil of calebs past and how jester is the only truly bright light he’s met in this journey. sure, his other friends are all amazing and nott is his rock and best friend, but they all also have so much heavy stuff in their past, but then there’s jester shining brighter than anyone he’s ever met, a ray of sunshine illuminating the room in a  soft blue glow" and I just have to write it.featuring The Waltz
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	All I Need Is Your Light

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers up to C2E24

Darkness.

Caleb wasn’t entirely sure how long it’d been like this, but he’d long since lost track of where the darkness ended and where he began. Even with his eyes closed he was surrounded, his heart enveloped in pain and suffering. He felt just as lost in broad daylight as the darkness consumed every part of his being. He wasn’t entirely sure how long it’d been like this, but he’d long stopped caring. Caleb Widogast was surrounded by darkness and that was just the way of the world.

“Keep the cuffs on ‘im. He’s some sort of magic user.” Caleb all but ignored the biting voice as he was manhandled into the prison cell, tossed next to some poor creature huddled in the corner. Tasting dirt, he looked up with just enough time to see the torchlight being snuffed out, the voice of the guard calling out through the darkness. “10 silver says the goblin tries to take a bite out of ‘im before the night is over.”

Another barking laugh carried through the cell as the door above shut with a resounding thunk.

Darkness. It carried out around him and he found himself trying to pull from it, searching for any light to cling to. The darkness had driven him insane once, he couldn’t let it do that to him again. He closed his eyes, searching deep down for something-- anything. A memory that would bring him light, just enough that he could get through this.

The only source of light was the fire. He could see it clear as day, even now. The way the flames licked at his childhood home would be ingrained in his brain until the day he died, just as his parents' screams would always haunt his memory. When he closed his eyes, all he saw was the fire. He squeezed the bindings on his left arm, forcing his eyes open with an audible gasp. He needed to focus.

Caleb took a shuddering breath, pressing his back against the cold concrete as he just listened. If he listened hard enough he could hear the sound of voices carrying on through the door, though he couldn’t make any sense of their conversation. Another body breathed next to his, but it wasn’t until he heard the rustling of their cloak that he looked to them. “Who goes there?” He called out, curiosity getting the better of him.

The figure huddled closer to the wall, holding something to its face. It wasn’t until his eyes adjusted that he could see it was a mask. Porcelain. “I can get us out,” the figure responded, a dainty, feminine tone carrying from the creature. “I just need something to pick the lock, they- they took my tools.”

That was the day he had met Nott The Brave; a little goblin girl with a penchant for thievery and alcohol. They didn’t share much during those first few days after the escape but Caleb could tell that she, like him, was surrounded in darkness. He found solace knowing that she seemed to understand, that she felt the same as him-- but a part of him hated it too. They were quite an untrustworthy pair, but in the months to come he found himself trusting her more than himself. Nott didn’t bring Caleb any sense of light from the darkness, but she was a friend nonetheless.

* * *

The bustle of the inn exhausted Caleb, as it was oft to do, but the twenty or so hours of sleep he had gotten the night before had helped and all that mattered now was the food and drink making its way to their little table. Nott sat before him, looking just as wild as she did the day they met. Her porcelain mask was pulled up across her face, hiding most of the goblin features from view.

“Yes, I need books, that’s true, but did you find drink yesterday?” Caleb asked, offering only a mere flick of his finger towards her flask to show what he meant. It wasn’t really necessary anymore, they had traveled together for a few months now and they had both gotten used to the company. Caleb knew that she would understand. But he did it anyway.

Nott responded without checking, though her hand moved subconsciously to her belt. “I have a little left in my flask.” 

“How much?”

“Just a couple swigs.”

Caleb nodded, thinking back to his companion and her reliance on alcohol. He understood the need, himself, though he didn’t need it the way she did. “So that’s also on the to-do list, then.”

“I mean, if you don’t want me to get too jittery, yeah.”

He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be bothered by the alcoholism. He was certain that a better man would try to help the little goblin girl, try to cure her. But Caleb had long since resigned himself to the fact that he wasn’t a good man. Anyways, Nott didn’t need help anymore than he did. They got by just fine on their own, so long as they were together. He wasn’t sure he was ready to admit it outloud, but he liked Nott. He had sworn to himself that he’d do whatever it was he could to keep her safe.

He nodded, taking a sip of the Trost that had been placed in front of him. “All right.” He said, setting the cup down. “Okay. So we’ll do that first.”

“All right,” Nott replied, as breakfast was settled in front of them. Without waiting, she dug in as the morning crowd of the diner went about their business.

“-and we’ve put together a little bit of coin for your troubles, so.” Caleb hadn’t really been listening to the conversation at the table next to theirs. He hadn’t seen any reason to listen in to the fairly quiet group or the gentleman standing over them. But one moment they were eating their breakfast in near peace and the next, the clatter of coin hit their ears. Caleb watched as Nott’s eyes shifted almost instantly to the table next and he couldn’t help but look as well. An older gentleman was shaking the last of his coin out of his hat, pushing the haphazard pile towards the three who sat at the table. 

“So cool!” Caleb hardly noticed the girl who spoke initially, he was too focused on the coin, attempting to see whether or not any of it had fallen to the floor. It hadn’t.

“I hope it’s helpful.” The older man had spoken up, placing his cap back on his head. Caleb was smart enough to realize these three were getting paid for a service, as unconventional as the means was. “But thank you.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Caleb’s eyes finally moved to the three at the table, his eyes falling on the human first. She looked hardened, a few bruises littering her skin. She seemed eager to take the money, though after a quick glance to the half-orc beside her, she spoke again. “Oh wait.” He thought he recognized the colors she wore, though he decided not to think too hard on it in that moment.

The half-orc spoke up next, an assured southern drawl spilling from his lips. “We can’t accept this, right? I mean, it’s too much.”

It didn’t seem like all that much at all, but Caleb didn’t figure his commentary would be appreciated in that moment.

The human leaned in, a pisspoor attempt at lowering her voice to the half-orc carrying over to Caleb’s table. “We’re supposed to at least say that, right?” She turned to the tiefling, who’s blue skin would have stood out if she hadn’t been sitting next to the green hued half-orc. “And then still accept it, right?” The human woman seemed to be just as much of an asshole as Caleb and his traveling companion.

“I think you’re supposed to do it if you say it.” The half-orc, not so much.

A unique accent piqued up and Caleb’s eyes were drawn to the tiefling once more “Well, I mean, he did go around to a bunch of people. That was a lot of work on his part. I would hate to make him go back to all of those people and give it back to each individual person.” It was fairly clear from her tone that she wanted the money just as much as the human, if not more.

Their moral compass, it seemed, resigned with a sigh. “Fine, fine.”

Still, the human carried on. Caleb wondered briefly if she was trying to convince the half-orc, or herself. “If he didn’t keep a ledger, you know. We wouldn’t want to do that. It’s rude not to accept a gift, right?” Once again, she looked to the tiefling girl, who was already nodding with excitement. “It’s rude not to accept a gift, right?”

The older gentleman jumped in once more, barely adjusting his hat as he spoke. “I would hope that is the case.” He paused, seeming to relax when there were no other attempts to turn the money away. “Anyway. Thank you very much. I am sorry for getting in your way.” He gave the trio a brief nod and rushed out of the tavern, seemingly embarrassed by all the attention that had been placed on him.

Caleb’s eyes darted to Nott, who was just staring at the money with hunger in her eyes. It was a glint that Caleb had come to know very well and though he had come to feel grateful for her sticky fingers, he doubted that now was the time for that. He picked his drink back up, hoping that they could finish breakfast without too much trouble.

“Divide it up.” The tiefling spoke, her voice carrying across the tavern with ease. Caleb figured they would have heard her whether they had been sitting next to her or not. She seemed to push the money towards the human, grinning all the while. “So I’m leaving it to you to do that counting. Which is really hard for me, personally, but there you go.”

The human blew a stray hair out of her face, frowning down at the money. “How do you split up four gold? We have four gold and there’s only three of us.” 

“Don’t know.” The tiefling admitted.

“Well, I actually did pretty good at that card game, so you can have mine.” The half-orc patted one of his pockets, a faint sound of coin jingling just barely hitting Caleb’s ear.

“Aw. I will.” The human replied, looking back down at the coin. Determination cleared her features and she reached for the coins. “Okay.”

“So two for each of us! That’s great.” Part of Caleb wanted to try to place that accent, but Nott was starting to lean towards their table, an intense look in her eyes.

“Oh, that’s good. One for you, two for me, two for– oh wait, no, wait, math doesn’t make sense.” She seemed to think about it for a second, sliding the coins this way and that before speaking again. “I’ll give two to Jester, one for you, one for me. And then 22 silver, that’s–” She looked to the tiefling again, though it seemed like this time she was looking for help.

The tiefling never stopped smiling as she replied. “Tell you what, you do that math.”

Caleb quickly finished his Trost, settling the cup down on the table just as Nott spoke up, drawing his attention away from the voices at the other table. “Don’t arouse suspicion, but did you hear all that coin hit that table, Caleb?”

“I did.” Caleb replied, taking the time to meet Nott’s eyes as he spoke. “It’s on the table, though, so I think on the table it will stay.” It would have been easier to steal their money if some of it had fallen on the floor. There were so many different plays they could have done with loose coin, but too many people were watching and Caleb wasn’t willing to risk it.

Nott nodded, leaning in closer, her bright yellow eyes widening. “Yes, but we could follow them out.” She suggested, her excitement visible even with the mask. “We could do the Moneypot. We could run Rat Food. We could do Prince and the Pauper to get it from them. We could try Spider Eyes. Any of those could work–”

“Are you guys staying here?” The accent cut through Nott’s sentence as the blue-skinned tiefling leaned over, her own eyes just as wide as Nott’s.

“Don’t move,” Nott said quickly, all but freezing in her tracks. “Don’t move. Tieflings can only see movement.”

Suspicion instantly filled Caleb’s gut as he eyed the girl, offering Nott a response. “I don’t think that’s true–”

Once again the girl interrupted, her head bobbing up and down animatedly. “It’s very true, we have a hard time seeing things that aren’t moving, it’s very true. But I can hear you.” Her eyes tracked from Nott’s, over to Caleb’s. Her tone was bright. Casual. Like she was asking for the time. Like she was a child who didn’t know that what she said was insulting. “You should take a bath. You know they have showers here. It’s possible.”

The words shocked Caleb. In all the time he’d spent pretending to be some disheveled lowlife, nobody had ever commented on it. “A what now?” He asked on impulse alone.

The girl responded simply, her words feeling almost crass despite the innocent demeanor. “You bathe yourself in water.”

“No, I’ve bathed before, yeah,” Caleb cut in, rubbing at his temple as he looked at the girl. There was something about how she carried herself, something about the innocence that was striking. It really was like she didn’t realize how hurtful her words could be. That, or she didn’t care. Another asshole, it seemed. “I know what a bath is.

She shrugged, the nonchalance in her tone almost worse than some of the cutting remarks that Caleb had heard in the past. “It’s because you smell really bad, and it’s wafting over this direction. I’m just letting you know. I would hate if I smelled that bad and someone didn’t tell me.”

Caleb sighed, drumming his fingers on the table. What was he supposed to say to that? ‘Yeah, I hate smelling this bad too, but it’s the best way for me to survive.’? No, that wouldn’t do. “I’ve only just met you,” he said instead, resigned.

“Hi! I’m Jester.” A bright smile stretched across her lips and for the most fleeting of moments, he found himself struck at the sight. For a fraction of a second, he felt a flutter in his chest, as if the weight had been lifted.

“Hi,” He said softly. The feeling had gone as quickly as it came and Caleb had decided that it was just a trick of the mind. It was just a smile. “I’m Caleb.”

“Nice to meet you, Caleb.” Jester replied, waiting a beat before she just as easily turned her attention back to her small little group. “How much silver did I just get?”

“Seven!” The human called out, eliciting a small cheer from Jester. She then added, looking straight towards both Caleb and Nott. “And 16 copper. Aren’t you all jealous?”

The others eventually introduced themselves and Beauregard and Fjord and what a trio they turned out to be. Chaotic in nature and far more eye-catching than Caleb ever would have liked, they kept up a conversation for quite some time. They were joined by two other compatriots who introduced themselves as Mollymauk and Yasha. It was clear these people would easily gander attention wherever they went which wasn’t exactly what Caleb wanted, but… one conversation couldn’t hurt.

Fjord seemed to be the voice of reason within the trio. Quiet. Reserved, it seemed, though it was very likely that was more an assumption based on the outward exterior of his other travel companions. He had ambitions to go to the Academy and though Caleb knew a better man would warn him of the troubles that would come of that, he kept his mouth shut.

Beauregard seemed rough around the edges, though not entirely terrible. He didn’t think she was all that smart if he was being honest, but none of this group seemed to be terribly intelligent. Quick on the updraw, she seemed protective of the others. She liked Frumpkin, though, and that mattered for something.

Jester was… Well, Caleb had a lot of words for what Jester was. She was naive, to start. Gullible. She seemed to never shut up, always providing some form of unasked for opinion. She was surprisingly innocent and though Caleb was more than aware that people could be more than meet the eye, Jester seemed to be untouched by the hurt of the world. Her bright eyes and loud curiosity were like a slap in the face to Caleb, who knew he could never experience that kind of joy ever again.

Molly and Yasha had both only stayed for a short period of time, but even then Caleb could tell that they were much like the others. They had their own baggage, all of which drew the same conclusions. They were all surrounded by darkness.

* * *

Deciding to stick with the group was a decision Caleb didn’t make lightly, though some of it was circumstantial. After the events of the circus, he realized that they could give him the cover he needed-- that their personalities and visage would hide him just as well as pretending to be a dirty, homeless man would. But with them, he wouldn’t risk the chance of dying so quickly.

Caleb knew he could never tell them what he had done, if only for the fear that they’d look at him the same way they looked at all the other creatures they fought and killed. He couldn’t stand the idea of his… company-- of his _friends_ looking at him like he was a monster. He already knew that he was one, but he couldn’t have them knowing that. As much as he hated to admit it, he cared about what they thought. They were his first true friends since Astrid and Eodwulf.

It really didn’t take long for him to grow attached to the motley crew. Each and every one of them had their own darkness it seemed and though Caleb hardly knew the beginning of it, he could see it in their eyes. All of them, it seemed, except Jester. She was a ray of sunshine wherever they went and even when hit with misfortune, she kept a smile on her face and kept the party happy.

They called themselves the Mighty Nein.

“Oh, The Mighty Nein is The Mighty Nein. The Mighty Nein is The Mighty Nein. The mightiest nine that ever neined!”

“I like that song!”

Caleb was drunk. More drunk than he had probably ever been, though he wasn’t exactly new to the experience either. They had participated in a drinking contest with another group and Caleb had surprisingly held his own. It hadn’t seemed smart, but he found himself doing more things for the group and the bounty on the contest had been too high to pass up. And afterwards? Caleb felt fantastic! It was the first time in a long time that he didn’t find himself constantly thinking about the shitty things he had done and that creeping darkness itching its way back into his soul.

He stumbled as he sang, his Zemnian accent carrying out through his slurring, the lively accompaniment unfortunately not helping. “Nine mighties, mighties nine!” He laughed, slumping himself back against one of the walls of the tavern, looking out to the crowd of gnomes and his group of friends.

“Do you guys need to go to bed or something?” Jester was the only sober one of the group, though Caleb wasn’t sure why. She didn’t ever seem to drink and in most cases he wouldn’t have questioned it, but it was hard not to wonder why she didn’t want to feel as great as Caleb felt just then. All of his worries were out the door and all that mattered was that moment, the music swelling around them as the people of Hupperdook partied.

Beau lurched passed him, proclaiming, “I think I'm going to puke.” Her hand clasped over her face, like she was barely holding it all in.

“I'm totally fine,” Nott replied with a grin on her face, her eyes looking only a little more feral than usual. Caleb had known Nott for several months at this point and if he stopped to think about it, he was fairly certain he had seen her drunk far more than he had ever seen her sober. This was where she thrived.

Jester seemed to consider her, giving a nod once she’d made a mental decision. “You sound pretty normal, actually, Nott.”

Nott replied with a grin, moving all agile like towards the closest table. “This is great!” 

Caleb watched the stragglers of the night continue their dancing. He opened his lips and spoke, “I thought we were going dancin-” only to be interrupted by Nott, who had jumped up onto the table.

“I can do anything!” She shouted, throwing her little fists into the air. “I can surf on a truck!”

Mollymauk laughed from where he sat, though if Caleb had the mind to pay attention, he might have noticed the look of caution in his eyes, like the tiefling was just waiting to catch Nott if she fell.

Beau shifted next to him again, placing a sturdy hand on his shoulder as if to get his attention. He jolted from his thoughts, feeling a little dizzy. “Give me five minutes,” she started, straightening herself. “I'm going to go out. I'm going to go behind the alley. I'm going to barf. I'm going to clean myself up, and then I'm going to come back in a little bit more put together.” She seemed to wait just long enough to meet his eyes before pushing out of the door, letting a blast of cool night air brush into the room.

The air seemed to center Caleb just enough that he was able to act composed when Jester appeared by his side, a grin stretched across her lips. “You said you knew how to waltz, right?” She asked, her accent harder to decipher with the alcohol flowing through his veins. It took Caleb a second to understand and nod, and already Jester’s hand was stretching out, reaching for his. “Well, I know how to waltz too!” Hand in his, she started to drag him towards the center of the floor without even waiting for a semblance of an answer. “Dance with me, Caleb.”

Caleb’s body moved on its own, pushing towards the center of the room as Jester’s words swirled around him. Feeling far more brave than he had in years, he responded simply. “Okay,” he said, one hand easily settling on her waist as he stared, his drunken brain trying to remember the simplistic steps to the waltz.

The music didn’t seem to fit the dance and Caleb felt his brain short circuit, his hand clutching onto Jester’s like it was a lifeline. A moment passed and Jester started to lead the dance, her fingers pressing into his shoulder to give him a slight nudge in the right direction. Caleb’s body moved on autopilot, the steps coming to him just enough that he didn’t find himself stepping on Jester’s toes. The music changed as they moved, transitioning into what sounded softer, the three fourths picking up and carrying their movements along.

One two three, one two three.

A few couples started to join them and though Caleb was too drunk to really notice, the others seemed to watch the two, as if to follow their movements. All of the rowdy atmosphere had turned into what was slowly feeling romantic and as Caleb’s eyes landed on Jester, he felt what little breath he had escape from his throat.

From the corner of his eye, a flash of purple and green passed by, blending in with the rest of the crowd. Caleb didn’t look to see Mollymauk and Nott dancing amongst them, though. His eyes stayed trained on Jester, who looked truly beautiful in that moment. Her eyes shone with the same light she seemed to have in her heart, her lips pulled back into a gleeful smile. Caleb could feel his heart pounding against his chest, the strangely familiar scene feeling warm.

Caleb blinked, the alcohol making the action feel so weighted. When he opened his eyes, Jester was no longer standing before him. Instead, he was looking down at a woman with short brown hair and shining brown eyes. Her smile was softer, more teasing, like she had just cracked a joke about how terrible he was at waltzing.

Caleb found himself laughing, feeling just as happy as he had back then. “You were always a better dancer than me, Astrid.” He said without thought, the fondness hard to hide. “You were always so good.”

“Astrid?” 

The voice didn’t match the image and though Caleb replied with the simple, “Ja,” he started to stutter, his feet falling over themselves as he blinked once more, staring at the frozen features of a hurt Jester.

She seemed frozen in place, like she wasn’t sure what to say, and though the music and the crowd still moved on without them, they had stopped their dance. “Oh, well, you know, Caleb--”

Caleb pulled away from Jester, his hand refusing to linger despite the lack of warmth he was immediately met with. “I'm sorry.” He muttered, shaking his head. “I'm sorry.” He had been slapped in the face with the reality of the moment, feeling as sober as he was going to get. He knew that feeling would be fleeting, so he started to back away.

“Caleb,” Jester’s voice was soft. It was kinder than Caleb deserved, that much he knew. “Do you need to go to sleep?” She asked, blinking up at him.

Caleb didn’t even let her get the full sentence out before he was stumbling away, his feet falling over themselves as he tried to get as far away from her as possible. Before he could even get a few steps away, she was grabbing at his jacket, crying out. “No, no, no! You are not going to go pass out in the street. You told me to be in charge of this.” He could tell by the look on her face that she wasn’t going to take no for an answer and once again his heart started to swell.

He faltered, his mouth opening and then closing as he tried to find any sort of words to apologize to her, to explain. But everything that threatened to spill from his lips didn’t sound right, not in this moment. And in that fleeting, sober moment, he knew that nothing he could say just then would help. So he let her lead him to his room, keeping quiet as the drunkenness started to wash back over him.

Jester tucked Caleb into bed as the dizziness washed back over him, his eyes tracing over her features as she pulled the sheets up over him. He watched as she tucked a strand of dark blue hair behind her ear, his lips pulling back into a feature that felt foreign on his face. He smiled. “You are blue.” He said softly, grateful in that moment that his hands were under the sheets.

“Yes, I am,” she replied in kind, taking the serious role for the first time since they’d met each other. Still, she smiled back at him. “And you are very nice… and a little stinky.”

He wasn’t very nice and though Jester didn’t know the half of it, he found himself singing out once again. “One of those things is true, and you are blue.”

Jester laughed, her hands tucking the sheets underneath him. It was such a simple gesture, but it was enough. Caleb felt that warmth once more, radiating from where his cold heart usually beat.

Jester’s hands seemed to falter, her eyes tracking to his. His own eyes felt heavier and he could feel sleep starting to take him, but he didn’t miss the words that she all but whispered towards him. “I'm sure Astrid loves you very much.”

Silence fell around the room and even without his keen memory, Caleb couldn’t recall Jester ever leaving the room. He assumed he must have fallen asleep before she did, because the next morning he awoke to find Nott curled up by his side and Jester was nowhere to be found.

He pulled himself up, his head pounding with the beginnings of a hangover as he immediately started to replay the evening’s events.

He had never really allowed himself the chance to consider it, but as he thought back to his hand on Jester’s waist and her toothy grin under the colorful lights of the tavern at night, his heart started to pound. His fingers gripped at the sheets, cursing in his native tongue under his breath. He was careful not to wake Nott as he untangled himself from the sheets, rubbing a calloused hand over his face. He had started to find solace in the darkness. It’s familiarity was what kept him sane. Knowing that what he did was irreversible and horrifyingly wrong, it grounded Caleb. And every ounce of darkness that surrounded him-- Nott, Beauregard, and all the others-- it was all he knew anymore.

But Jester was something different altogether and Caleb didn’t know how to deal with that. She was like Astrid had been all those years ago. She was a light in the darkness. A beacon of hope. As much as Caleb didn’t want to believe that he could start hoping again, Jester had somehow managed to wriggle her way deep into his heart. Still, he couldn’t allow himself to even dream that anything would come of it. Not when someone like Jester deserved someone so much better than him.

Caleb pulled himself from the bed completely, his eyes falling past his roommate and towards the window, where the morning light was starting to shine through.


End file.
